One thing I hear from a lot of the people I talk to is that they have a messy house, but it isn't their fault.  They are fairly neat and organized themselves, but they live with someone who is a "collector" or maybe even someone with mild hoarding tendencies.  

This can be a serious problem and can put a major strain on the relationship.  Note that if you are dealing with a true hoarder personality, you probably need to get some professional help involved.  We lived across the street from a serious hoarder for many years and I always felt so sorry for her.  She spent nearly every waking moment arranging and rearranging her treasures, (which were really garage sale and thrift market finds).  The sad part was that even though she was dealing with major consequences, in the form of notices from the city, complaints from neighbors, and major pressure from her family, it didn't seem to me that she ever got any pleasure from the things she had.  I knew her for about 20-something years and I never saw her have a truly happy moment.


But in this case, we are dealing with a mild case of packrat-itis or someone who likes to collect large quantities of certain items.  For my husband, it was train stuff.  In our previous house, he had probably two 10 X 12 rooms completely devoted to his train collection, his enormous layout, and associated supplies.  He also had train pictures and other memorabilia spread throughout the house.  I wouldn't have minded so much, but his interest in it was pretty lukewarm, at best.  He might get them out and actually do something with it like every other month, and that seemed like a LOT of space to devote to something that he wasn't spending time with at least every week or so.  


So, how DO you deal with a situation like this?  Well, part of it is just having some honest conversations about it.  And by that, I DON'T mean fighting, or arguing about it, or criticizing him for his choices.  Instead, you need to find a time when you can have a respectful conversation about his wants and needs, vs. your wants and needs.  Most of the time people are pretty reasonable if you come to them with a ideas on how you can be fair to both of you.  


In our case, my point was that I didn't feel it was fair that we were devoting about 20% of our available space to his hobby that he didn't use very often, while my stamping hobby which I did do all the time, only had about 5% of the available space.  He agreed a little reluctantly, that it wasn't a very fair situation.  I threw out another idea, that he really wanted a big screen TV.  I didn't particularly want one and we didn't have the money for it, but if he was willing to sell a portion of his train collection, he was more than welcome to use it to buy his TV and put it in the place his layout had been.


The important points were that I didn't insist he give up his entire collection, I gave him an incentive of an item he really wanted, and I didn't get all huffy and demanding.  Instead, I appealed to his sense of fairness and asked for him to work with me on creating a reasonable solution.  We put the whole layout on Craigslist and in about a week, two guys with trucks showed up and carted it off, along with a sizable portion of the train collection.  That one transaction netted him about 3/4 of the money for the TV, and I ran some Ebay auctions for him to get the rest of it.  


Then when we were planning to move into the new house, we had some further negotiations on how to allocate our new space.  I would have one entire spare bedroom for my stamp classes, but there would be no stamp stuff anywhere else in the house.  And he would have an entire section of the basement for his memorabilia with large closets to hold his remaining train collection.  He agreed that anything that didn't fit into his designated space would have to go.  


I think that is a key point with a collector.  You respect his (or her) desire to collect these items, but you get them to agree to reasonable limits.  If they want to collect magazines, they can keep as many as will fit on this shelf.  Or if it's frogs or pigs or whatever, they can have enough to fill up this display area.  They may not turn the whole house into their little hog heaven.  They have to respect the fact that non-frog lovers live in the house too, and that they deserve room to display items that reflect their own personality. 


It's generally best to allow a collector to make those decisions for themselves.  The one thing you should NEVER do is try to force them into a decision by packing their stuff up and removing it without their knowledge or permission.  That is extremely disrespectful and damaging to the relationship.  How would you like it if someone came in and threw out all the clothes you like best, or arbitrarily jettisoned half the food in your pantry?  You would be furious and would probably waste no time (or money!) in replacing it. 

However, if you do find your collector is dragging their feet on the weed-out process after you have already agreed to it, then you have some passive-aggressive behavior going on.  The best way to deal with that kind of behavior is head on.  You set a date (giving them a reasonable amount of time) and say that if they don't do what they agreed to do by then that you will pack up the items yourself and move them to a storage area like a garage or storage shed.  You aren't getting rid of the items in a permanent way, but you are reclaiming the space that was agreed upon.  


If the collector does request your help, be gentle.  Don't wade into it wrinkling up your nose and making snide comments about "this old junk".  Help them find the treasures by asking them to pick out their top 10 items that they value the most.  Then set up a place of honor to display these items and they will be much more willing to get rid of some of the less treasured items.  It's a process and you want to give them lots of credit for any positive steps they are taking to improve the situation.  

Come back every Monday for a fresh dose of Clutterbugs.  If you'd like to see past posts on the subject, click on the tag at the bottom of this post.  
 

By TwitterButtons.com

Bookmark this on Delicious

This is a cute poem someone sent me today.  Thought you'd enjoy it:

T'was the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.


The leftovers beckoned - 
the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation
with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
Gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.


I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
wish a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.


May your stuffing be tasty,

May your pies take the prize.and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!!!
  
By TwitterButtons.com

Bookmark this on Delicious

My apologies!  I tried to post this last week, but Blogger ATE it - ugh!  So, let's try this one again.  

Not that I'm bragging (well, maybe a little), but this is the second year we are going to have an all-cash Christmas.  It's actually easier than you'd think, but it does take a bit of planning and a little self-discipline.  And I'll tell you, it is such a good feeling to not be dreading that January credit card bill.

It started last year.  At our company, we all get our raises in April (and yes, my company is still managing to give at least tiny little raises).  When I got my raise, I calculated exactly how much it would be each payday and I set up a separate account to transfer it to every two weeks.  It's like our own little private Christmas Club account.  I even found a bank that would give me $100 for opening up a new account with direct deposit - hey, I'm a girl with an eye for a bargain. 


The trick with the direct deposit is to set it and forget it.  That money is untouchable.  It is on the moon, just like the money they take out for taxes and FICA and all that other stuff.  Then you'll find out you won't even miss it.  


Then when Thanksgiving rolls around, you have a nice little nest egg that you can use completely guilt-free for your gifts.  You just divide it by the number of people you have to shop for and you have a basic budget for your holiday shopping.  Like Tim Gunn says - "Make it work"


January is a fabulous time to set something like this up.  You're already in that New Year's Resolution mode and even if you can only spare a few bucks, over the course of the whole year, you'll be surprised at how fast you'll see it grow.  Then for Thanksgiving 2011, you'll be able to look forward to taking your cash out to start your holiday shopping!  


I have my mother to thank for the raise idea.  This is one of the many good ideas she gave me over the years.  She reasoned that since you were getting along well enough on the money you were currently making, you should set aside the extra for a special purpose rather than let it be absorbed into your regular budget.  Then you would feel like you got something special for the extra money.  She was a pretty smart cookie, my Mom.  


What are your ideas for keeping your holiday spending under control?  


Come back every Thursday for a fresh dose of Smart Money.  If you'd like to see past posts on the subject, just click on the tag below for a complete list. 


 
By TwitterButtons.com

Bookmark this on Delicious

I just had to share - we had the BEST time this weekend at a Harry Potter premiere event at our local planetarium.


It was a blast.  When we came in, we had our acceptance letter to Hogwarts, along with a class schedule.   Then they had an actual sorting ceremony to pick the house your child (or you!) would be in.  I held my breath, but sure enough, my son was accepted into Gryffindor! 




There was a mini Hogsmeade with special HP treats and of course there were school supplies like wands, uniforms, and other items for sale.  Around every corner, there were authentic decorations from the movies, as well as printed backdrops or character cutouts to pose with. 

Then it was time for our "classes".  For Care of Magical Creatures, there were live animals from the local Zoo and Aquarium.  The snakes & tarantulas really freaked some people out, but I thought they were cool.  

Divination included Tea Leaf reading, and the Charms class had demos of some of the scientific equipment from the Planetarium to simulate spells.  Muggle Studies had a photo booth to show the difference between muggle & wizard photos.  My favorite was Defense Against the Dark Arts - I saw through that one twice because they had an awesome laser show, including a brand new number that had never been shown before.  

After our "school day" was over, there was a costume contest and a prize drawing.  My little wizard got zip in the costume contest (I thought it was pretty good for a 5 minute costume!), but we did win an awesome poster from the new movie!


PS:  The movie was awesome too!  I can't wait for the second part of it. 

Disclaimer:  I received two free tickets for the party.  Many thanks to the sponsors - Clark Planetarium, Megaplex Movie Theaters, Living Planet Aquarium, Hogle Zoo, & Ride UTA



 
   
By TwitterButtons.com

Bookmark this on Delicious

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick....
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site.
That I got SO way into.
I was into it all night.

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess....
While I sit here on my hiney.

I have been reading a fascinating blog called the Passive Aggressive Diaries.  Since my husband is quite a pro at passive-aggressive behavior, I thought I'd better check up on it.  One topic that she frequently mentions is Intentional Incompetence.  

We have all experienced Intentional Incompetence at one time or another.  Every time a kid "forgets" to do an assigned chore, or a spouse accepts responsibility for a task and then fails to complete it, or does a simple task poorly.  For instance, here is the actual dirt left behind after my 21 year old son swept the floor one day.  



Now, obviously a 21 year old adult is capable of doing a better job than this, but he didn't want to do the job, so he deliberately did a lousy job rather than trying to make a case for why he shouldn't have to do the job.  That's why it's considered passive-aggressive.  Passive would be to just shrug your shoulders and do the job, aggressive would be to say "Hell, no, I'm not going to do it." Intentional Incompetence is the compromise between the two.  They are hoping to make it enough of a hassle that you won't ever ask them to do it again.  That would be the win for them. 


So the question is, of course, how to deal with it?  Seems to me that the best way to deal with this kind of behavior is head on.  Have a calm discussion about why you feel it is necessary for them to do the chore. Assure them, it will get better with practice - lots of practice. If it's a kid, show them how to do the chore properly and consider setting parameters.  For instance, the floor is clean when Mom can run a broom over 2 corners and not turn up any dirt.  Or simply stick to your guns and refuse to accept the unsatisfactory work.  


They will get mad, count on it.  Most people become angry when their poor behavior is challenged, but usually that is just another form of passive-aggressive behavior.  You can tell the difference because they get over it almost immediately when you back down.  Someone who is truly angry and not posing to be angry, will typically stay mad even if you give them what they want.  So, I tell my kids to go ahead and yell and fuss and kick their little feet all they want.  I may even join them.  And the kitchen floor will still be waiting for them when they get done.  


Come back every Monday for a fresh dose of Clutterbugs.  If you'd like to see past posts on the subject, click the Clutterbugs tag at the bottom of this post. 


By TwitterButtons.com

Bookmark this on Delicious

I forget where I read this, but I thought it was a brilliant idea.  What if you were really serious about getting your spending under control?  You could set it up so that your husband gets an Email every time you spend XXX amount of money.  Or your mother?  It would be embarrassing, but it would certainly be a good deterrent!  


A couple of guys were talking outside my cubicle the other day.  They were joking about having to "bird-dog" their wives spending on a daily basis to keep it under control.  At the time, I thought it was pretty disrespectful, but on the other hand, I could see their point, if their wives were crazy spending and not making reasonable attempts to keep it under control. 

However, with most major banks, it is possible to set up all kinds of alerts, and I use them, a lot.  However, I leave my husband out of it.  Instead, I let the bank yell at me directly.  Obviously, they don't actually YELL at me, but I do get daily Emails for all sorts of things.  I get alerts if I let my savings balance drop below a certain range, if I overspend on my Visa account, or if my checking account hits rock bottom.

This helps in several ways.  It's kind of a pesky nag point for me to want to get my balances back where they are supposed to be - it is such a relief when the Emails stop after a period of weeks or months!  It also acts as a fraud alert in case someone charges a bunch of stuff on my credit cards or checking account, and it also gives me a quick warning in time to head off an overdraft.  Those darn little bank alerts are a pretty handy little tool, if you use them right.


What ways can you think outside the box to outsmart your money?


Come back every Thursday for a fresh dose of Smart Money.  If you'd like to see past posts on the subject, just click the tag below for a complete list. 
  
By TwitterButtons.com

Bookmark this on Delicious