This is my first Writer's Workshop post from MamaKatsLosinIt. She's one of the amazing bloggers I met this weekend and she posts these great writing assignments every week. People write about them and then link back to each other and read each other's posts.

There were several assignments and the one I chose was "How Motherhood Has Changed You".

This was a tough one for me, mainly because I can't hardly remember back that far. I've been a mother or a step mother for nearly all of my adult life - the last 25 years. When I was 24, I was a college student, dating the man who would become my husband. On about the third or forth date, he revealed that he had a son. A two year old son and he had full custody. Ooops!

In order to understand how I felt, you had to understand where I was coming from. I have always been a very non-traditional person, even as a kid. I know most girls grow up wanting to be wives and mommies, and maybe nurses and things like that. I was not.that.girl. I didn't want to be a nurse. I wanted to train lions and tigers for the movies - seriously. I didn't want to get married. No way, no how. It just seemed so ridiculous. People got married and then they got divorced and married someone else. Why go through all the hassle? I figured I'd just have a series of live-in boyfriends, and just love them and leave them. I was a sort of a Jr. Feminist!

And kids. No way in the freakin' world. Keep in mind growing up, I had very minimal exposure to kids. My mom kept me around adults most of the time and I didn't have a lot of friends. I babysat maybe half a dozen times and only for older kids, never for kids under five or so. When I my first son was born, I was 28 years old and had never been alone in a room with a baby in my life. Kids and especially little boys, just seemed like a whiny pain in the butt. I was completely mystified. Why on earth would anyone want to do this? Growing up, I literally don't think I ever once pictured myself as a mother.

However, that left me in a dilemma. I was falling in love with this guy and he had this son. And he made it pretty clear it was a package deal. What can you do? And Ryan was a pretty cute little guy. He'd just turned two and he had soft brown hair and big brown eyes. Tony and I continued to date and eventually we decided to try living together just to see if I could handle the whole wife and mother routine.



Still, getting someone else's child ready-made isn't the same as having your own as a baby. The first morning I had Ryan alone in our new apartment, he pooped his pants. At the kitchen table. And being newlyweds, it wasn't the greatest thing to have a 3 year old around most of the time. But on the other hand, there were times snuggled up with him on the couch watching cartoons together and picking out Halloween costumes and coloring Easter eggs.

I wish I could have made this magical transformation into this fabulous stepmother. I really wish I could say that, but I have to be honest. I was a so-so stepmother. I took good care of him, he was always dressed in clean clothes, fed well, and had plenty of toys. I didn't spoil him, I took a lot of interest in him and helped him with his homework and stuff. But I didn't love him the way I wanted to. I just didn't know how. I think the problem was that I was afraid to touch him or hug him because I knew he wasn't *mine*. I am a very affectionate mother now and I think that was the big difference with my own sons.

Tony would have been perfectly happy with just the one son, but I got it in my head that I might want a girl. Maybe. It was terrifying for someone like me who still wasn't sure if I liked being a Mom. The main thing that worried me was that it was such a permanent change. With a stepchild, you could always get a divorce and they just go away. Once you have your own baby, there's no turning back. So I went about it very scientifically. I took a poll. I asked all the mothers I knew the same question "If you had it to do over again, would you do it?". And with the exception of my mother-in-law (long story!) everyone said the same thing. That it was the best thing they'd ever done.

So when Ryan was nine and Tony and I were in our late 20's, we had our second son Matt. Having my own baby was a whole different ballgame. From the moment he was born, I knew he was totally mine. He looked just like my Dad, acted just like me, and I could (and did) cuddle him as much as I wanted. And he was FUNNY. Who knew? I never knew how hilarious babies can be. They never tell you that when they're telling you all those horror stories about 30 hour labors. They never tell you how babies flirt with you, and giggle so cute, and do things on purpose just to make you laugh. Or how you love to just watch them. Watch them sleep, watch them sneeze, watch how that little lip quivers right before he decides to cry, or how he makes that funny face just like your Dad.



So if I had it to do over again, I'd definitely do it again. In fact, I did. I had Blake yet another 10 years down the road. Which is why I still have an 11 year old after Ryan has made me a grandmother four times over. It's been quite an adventure, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.