are you suitably impressed? Yes, I'm sure that most of you have NO clue what that means. I didn't either until my dentist explained it to me. You see, most people have a perfectly smooth tongue - kind of like a Berber carpet, only pink. But when you have a geographic tongue, it's more like a high/low shag carpet. Seems to run in my family. I know my son Matt has it too and I suspect my husband does too. I guess I never bothered to look.

Apparently when you have this kind of tongue, it means that flavors affect you more intensely than most people. That actually explains a lot. I always thought I was just a picky eater. I like the blandest of bland foods. Anything the least bit spicy or sour or sharp tasting is almost inedible to me. It's so painful that I never could understand why people seemed to actually enjoy eating hot and spicy food. It probably isn't as big a deal to them.

This has led to some interesting situations. I always have to look at restaurant menus very carefully and being invited over to someone's house can be quite an adventure. Usually I'm able to just load up on bread and things, but it's hard to get through some meals without appearing rude. Last year, I had a chance to go to Africa to go visit a church we sponsor over there. I never even considered it. What if I had to eat some kind of really strange African food? These are poor people, you can't just refuse, and I'm not a good enough actress to be able to pretend to enjoy it convincingly. I never realized how limiting it is because it's just second nature to me.

We had one situation that was pretty interesting. We have some friends who are gourmet cooks and wine experts. My husband did some work on their wine cellar and they wanted to thank him by inviting us over for a gourmet dinner. Well, naturally I panicked and made excuses, but after several invitations, I could tell that they were puzzled and a little hurt, so we finally accepted so as not to hurt their feelings. I'm sure to most people this would be a fabulous night to look forward to, but for me, it was like walking into the lion's den!

I honestly don't remember what all they served us, but it has some kind of raspberry-walnut vinaigrette, and there was some kind of purple stuff, and some other kind of yellowy-brown stuff, and some kind of cranberry vodka and about 3 different kinds of wines. It was sheer torture for me. At one point during the salad course, my taste buds literally went into a spasm and I had to push my tongue very hard on the roof of my mouth to get it to unkink! It was funny because they were sneering about some friend of theirs who had dared bring a Sara Lee cheesecake to one of their little get-togethers. And I was thinking to myself that I would KILL for a bit of Sara Lee cheesecake and some Stouffers meatloaf, and some mashed potatoes right out of the box. Maybe some green beans and some good old corn. Now that's my idea of a gourmet meal, not all that fancy, dancy stuff.

So, if you ever have me over to your house for dinner, don't feel like I'm rude or anything, it's just my bizarre tongue talking....




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