I went to a pool party today. As usual, I didn't go anywhere near the pool. In fact, I've yet to slip into a swimsuit one time this whole summer. Why? Well, because it's a swimsuit, silly! Whoever invented these little spandex torture devices?

Because it doesn't matter if it's a one piece, two piece, or three piece, a bikini, a tankini, or a monokini, it is not going to look good on anyone over the age of 18 or over 115 pounds and I am most assuredly over both of those - considerably over. That's just not fair. Why can't we go into a pool in capris and a t-shirt, or a pair of shorts and a tank top, or in anything that doesn't immediately plaster itself to every fat globule you've ever had? I mean really, who's idea was this? I'm sure it was someone in Marketing.

I've even got the old lady kind of swimsuit, the kind with a little skirt to cover some small portion of your hips and fanny, but it's still about 65% less clothing than I wear on any other given day of the year, and it shows off every pasty, white bit of cellulite I possess and I just don't want to inflict that on other people. So I sit by the side of the pool, baking in the sun, wishing I had the time (and money) for a Brazilian wax and a personal trainer and maybe a tanning salon.

I think we ought to go on strike and boycott all the swimming pools until they let us wear whatever we darn well please to swim in. I'm opting for a pair of sweat pants and a turtleneck!




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