Neglected Kid Time
I got to thinking about some of my favorite posts and I realized that I'd never posted one of my favorite essays. This was a post I wrote a couple of years ago for one of my stamping business websites. This relates to my Stampin' Up! business, but it really applies to any home business or hobby that we tend to obsess about. Thankfully, since this period in time, I have made a lot of changes and I no longer invest nearly as much time in my business as I used to, but it's still an on-going struggle.
I'm writing this at 3:42 AM, so I apologize if it seems a little "unpolished", but I've just had something the Flylady calls a "God breeze". She refers to Him as the "Midnight Editor" and He sometimes sends her little messages and topics for her essays in the middle of the night. The topic I received tonight is "Balance" - you know that thing that Shelli talks about so frequently in her little newsletter at the front of our Stampin' Success magazine.
However, a lot of us don't really practice the habit of Balance - I know I don't, which is why I'm sitting up here typing in the middle of the night. As many of you know, I recently lost my mother, which tends to make you step back and take a look at yourself and your life and right now, I don't really like what I see.
I love my stamping business, but there definitely is a dark side of it and I've run smack into it tonight. I'm an enthusiastic "all or nothing" type of person and when I throw myself into a new "something" - I tend to throw myself pretty hard and damn the consequences.
In this case the consequences translate into something I called "Neglected Kid Time" or NKT. I look back on how I spent my day today and it's nothing but NKT. Here it was a beautiful, sunny (though chilly!) Saturday and I had my husband and my two wonderful sons right here, waiting to spend some time with me after a looong week of working and yet I sacrificed pretty much the entire day to my own selfish hobby.
I had a chance to attend a quarterly downline meeting and even though it wasn't really my downline, I was invited and I decided to attend, even though I had already spent an entire evening with my my stamping friends a couple of days earlier. Tons of fun, and a nice chance to get out with some great girlfriends and make some fun projects, but again a entire evening of Neglected Kid Time as my kids sat home with my husband and probably watched TV all night.
Then I add in travel time, preparation time, time spent making samples, and waaaay to much time staring at this computer screen at waaay too many stamping websites like this one and I wonder why I have a couple of grouchy, unruly kids with their rooms a mess and their chores and homework not done - duh!
Then I look around at my house that looks like a bomb went off in every room (if Flylady saw this house right now, she'd turn tail and run right back to North Carolina!). I look at my husband who has watched so much football, I think he has green Astroturf imprinted on his eyeballs! Then I look at our two boys who practically have square eye sockets because they've watched so much TV, played so many video games, or spent so much time on their computers! (Yes - we do have HIS, HERS, and KIDS computers as well as separate TV's for each - that's a big clue right there!) And I think - boy did I screw up again!
I don't know about you, but pretty much all my adult life, I've felt like that guy you see in the circus with the spinning plates. I have all these plates going and they are labeled WORK (my "real" full-time job), KIDS, MARRIAGE, HOUSEWORK, STAMPIN' UP!, CHURCH, a whole bunch of others and even a little tiny one called ME. Then I realize that I've been spinning the ones called WORK and STAMPIN' UP! so much this whole year that all the other ones are starting to wobble badly and even start to fall.
So what do I do? I have to admit right now, I don't really know. Obviously I'm going to have to stop spinning these two plates so much and go over and give the other ones a few extra spins. But how to keep them in balance for the long term? That's really the $64,000 question, isn't it? Do I reduce the number of plates, or just figure out some great master plan for spinning them all a little more evenly? I don't know - maybe that's not a good question for 4:20 in the morning.
But I do think it's a good time for us all to ask an important question - what are your kids (if you have any) doing while you are reading this message?
Hopefully by now, mine are spending some Non-Neglected Kid Time with their one and only, ever lovin' Mom.
56 comments:
This was a great post! I have definitely had too many plates in the air lately and I have made some serious changes. So much so, that a few nights ago, my son saw me just sitting on the couch in the living room watching TV and asked, "What are you doing down here?" - confused and very happy to see me!
Have a good evening - Kellan
wow. Adrian, this is a really nice post. Great reminder for every mom, including this one.
Thanks for your comment on my blog today. I sure agree with you about the adoption process! And I'm happy to have opposing views expressed on my blog, respectfully, as you have done. Perhaps sometime I'll write more about Catholic teaching (and my beliefs) on the theology of the body. Interesting, but VERY hot-button issues. We'll see. Thanks for this post.
Love this!!
Glad you decided to share!
Hallie :)
I just posted a comment but I'm not sure if it worked...if I post twice, sorry!
The whole balance thing is tough. It's even harder with my husband in Iraq, there are lots of extra things I have to take care of (although I am very lucky that I don't have to work - other than being "mom" of course!). But because I'm alone I'm "on" 24/7, and it's difficult to find time for myself. I do, because if I didn't I'd go crazy, but then sometimes I wonder if I'm taking too much time away from my son. It's hard...
Wise words to ponder.
Happy SITS Day!
Balance can be difficult, that's for sure! I think you're on the right track just by realizing that your balance has been out of whack. Good luck!
Great post! Happy SITS day!
Mine are sleeping right now.... but I do have to take a step back and remember that I do need to balence better... Thanks for the reminder.
yeah for being the FB at SITS
Wow this is so honest... it's amazing! I can so relate (with a different list of things of course- no marriage or kids, etc for me), and I know a lot of other people can relate! It's nice to be able to relate to someone :)
Happy SITS day!
What a great post. It's true that balance is so important!
GREAT post. And so precise in how I feel being a woman is. Especially the small plate = me reference.
Congrats on being the featured Blogger over at SITS today :)
Great post on something we all struggle with. Thanks for the reminder.
This is a really honest post.
Thanks for sharing it. I hope you have found a better balance for yourself.
I am also an all or nothing type of gal. It bites me in the bottom pretty regularly - even if my kid is the "thing" I'm focusing on - all of sudden I realize I haven't gotten a hair cut in 6 months and the hubby is totally neglected.
Thanks for sharing.
That was a fantastic post! I too love your honesty. I totally know where you are coming from. You are an awesome writer.
Merry Christmas !!
Having a family is really a balancing act and it only gets harder with each piece of the puzzle. Sometimes my cleaning duties, or cooking schedule suffers but I think...in 10 years will it matter if I had the cleanest stove on the block? No, of course not but I would really miss all the time I didn't spend with my family.
Great things to think about - I don't have any yet ( 20's a bit young yet to me!) but I've been seeing this a lot lately and it gets me to wondering towards the future. While I have many dreams and hopes, I'm a big fan of staying home with kids...so that means I have to figure out what I want to be doing then, NOW so I don't run into a spinning plate frenzy... i've never been good at that sort of thing. I can't even juggle a few apples!
What a reminder! I espescially need that.
awesome essay! thanks for sharing!
Am I the only person on here who remembers plate-spinners from the Ed Sullivan TV show? Am I the only person on here who remembers Ed Sullivan? Yikes!
Brava for your honesty!
I can soooo relate to this. It is hard to do all the juggling that is a mothers life. Finding balance is something I think I will struggle with for a long time.
Stoping from SITS
Fantastic post. I never knew how my mother did it, or even if I can do it.
Sometimes its a scary thought.
But I do believe that one can balance themselves between everything. It takes work and practice and sacrifice. But once you do find that balance its a relief.
Maybe start with a little meditation. ;)
good luck with everything!
Happy SITS day. :D
Shalee
Great post. Balance is the hardest thing to find for me.
Enjoy your kiddos, but don't neglect yourself either!
Happy SITS day, I just became a mother in July and I realize that every once in a while I fell like I get so consumed with chores/errands and even my alone time that I just don't appreciate the time I have with him!
Congrats on being featured on SITS today!
Have a Merry Christmas!
I don't know any moms who feel like they have a good balance.
Balance is something that we need to constantly work on, but you seem to have gotten the 'breeze' and are well on your way.
Great post and much needed.
Marlene
Life really *is* all about balance isn't it? And it's hard to find. I've done many of those middle of the night reality checks. I think that they are good for me. What is about 3:00AM that makes it impossible to hide from or lie to yourself?
Great post. I love the analogy of the plates, I feel that way all of the time. In fact, I must rush to go make pretend christmas cookies out of play dough with my son- he's definitely experiencing NKT right now!
Thanks for sharing your NKT post. I have not grasped the whole "balance" thing either. Like you I run full-speed-ahead into my passions and that makes for an unbalanced life. But, I keep trying!
Great post. If you ever do find a way to maintain that perfect balance, call me around 3am. I'll be up.
Yes, it's hard to get back in focus isnt it? Our kids are worth it though, arent they?
There's nothing like waiting, waiting, waiting, to help you re-evaluate your priorities. I'm "wasting" 2 (maybe 3) days in the airport!
I think this strikes a chord with every Mom, but as a working Mom your plates are crazier than mine, so I'm glad to hear you're doing better now than you were then! There's a book that's helped me with this, called "Margin" by Richard Swenson, so check it out if you can...it's worth the time to read it because it will help you find time in your life you never knew was there, and there's still time for your own hobbies and passions. Merry Christmas to you!
Playing Mario Cart on the Wii - for the second hour.
Time to sign off. My plates need a little Mama time. Thanks for the great reminder!!
Em - congrats on being Saucy!!!
wow.
that was one of the most honest things I have read in a long time.
thank you so much for writing this. I needed to read it and be reminded of where my priorities lay.
Ah, the perils of working mothers. The guilt can be great but I don't think you want one more plate to spin. Finding balance is difficult and something always has to give. My house was always a mess! That's what I gave up to be able to fit everything in. Hugs to you. NKT is something many of us have to deal with. Hopefully you will find your balance!
Good - thought-provoking post!!! I am right there with you and have these moments too! Thankfully, today, I can say that I'm baking cookies for Santa with my 3 year old and enjoying every minute of it. I get to sign off soon and frost cookies - BUT many days I need to stop & reevaluate. Thanks for being so transparent and honest here.
(PS - LUV the Flylady!!!)
i think all mothers feel this way at one time or another!! great post!! congrats on being SITS FB!!! Merry Christmas!!
Great & VERY honest!!!!
Have a great day SITSta!
And, a very Merry Christmas!
Mine are playing with toys together.
We've all been there.
This post really sums if up for most of us, sometime we have to make hard choices.
My kids are older so I don't have a balance problem but my personality is definitely all or nothing.
such a good idea to stop every once in a while to evaluate what you're doing
Great post, and yes, I think this is something we all go through... and it was good to hear it!! I needed to hear it!!! Thanks for being honest and sharing with us!!
:)
~Tabitha~
freshmommyblog.com
Amen, sista! We've all been there.
Another great post! I think we can all relate on some kind of level. A lot of times I have to force myself away from the TV or the computer, so I can spend time with the kids.
I hate it when I get into that phase. I sometimes just feel like my brain is floating in air and can't think right! Juggling life is so hard!
It need to be said. Thank you.
BTW
Merry Christmas from Okinawa. And Happy holidays too
Happy SITS day. A great post and good food for thought, we all need some balance.
This is a great post -- very honest and transparent about yourself and where you are.
My only daughter is now grown, but when she was in grade school things got crazy at work one day and I missed picking her up at school for a dentist's appointment. The school called and I raced over to get her, and she was sitting in the principal's office, on a bench, in her Brownie uniform, with her beanie on and she looked up at me with tears filling her eyes and said, "You forgot me."
Even now I can't think about that day without feeling like slug-slime.
On the positive side, she's now starting to deal with the same issues. She has a high-stress, high-profile job -- and a two-year-old son. And I've noticed she's a lot less critical of my parenting now that she's doing it herself!
Hang in there and be glad that you're mature enough to realize you're out of balance BEFORE your kids tell you themselves!
Oh, I can empathize with this one. I always have the plates spinning, although for some reason I see myself as more of the juggler.
And I *love* Stampin' Up and have spent far too much money on those items, especially given the lack of time I have to spend on stamping anymore - trying to avoid all that NKT you're talking about.
Fortunately right now both the wee ones are sound asleep!
I think a lot of us are feeling the same, or have been where you are before. When I worked I had 3 main plates I spun...Home {cleaning, etc}, Love {communicating with husband, love life, etc}, Work. I found I could keep up with 2 the third always lacked. So I made it a point to make Love and Work my priority.
Now I still have 3 plates, but instead of Work I have Daughter {which is still work lol}. Love and Daughter are my priority. Sometimes I just have to put the Home plate down and pick it back up later.
Terrific Post! I mean, would I really want to admit all that stuff to complete strangers probably not, but maybe that is our problem, we can't admit when we are wrong. I totally agree with your post. I am a stay at home mom, and i still think there is a lot of NKT time in this house. I'm trying to improve upon that myself. Plus figure out how to squeeze a possible part time job in there too. I always said people shouldn't have kids, if they don't plan to spend time with them... so I try to do to much like be the PTA, Boy Scout, Girl Scout Leaders, and so on and so forth... and when I look back realizing that was a nice goal, but left my kids behind in the process. Does that make sense? I can honestly say my kids are actually right here with me, coloring and talking to me, as I read your blog. I try to always make time for them, and even I, yes me, need to make more time for them. One of my new years resolutions. Good luck with yours! Thanks again for sharing, and having the guts to say what so many others can't. :)
I love that quote about the "midnight editor". I'm telling you, I do my best thinking in the middle of the night.
My kids were pretty much neglected today. Thanks for the reminder to be more present!
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