Guest Posting Today-Thoughts of a Working Mom

I am guest posting today over at Thoughts of a Working Mom. If you want a great post on Back-to-School organization, pop over there and check it out.


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Mother or Smother?

This is going to be one of those soul-searching posts, so better skip on if you don’t like that kind of thing. Something someone said got me thinking today. We are scrambling to get some last minute stuff finished up in time for Blake’s Scout advancement ceremony next week, and one of Blake’s Scout leaders pointed out (rightly so) that I was doing things that Blake should be doing for himself.

I guess the question I’m thinking is where is that fine line between being a supportive parent and being the equivalent of a pushy stage mother? With ADHD kids like mine who struggle with some things that come easier to other kids, it’s hard to know when you should butt the heck out and when you should place your foot firmly in his butt!

The interesting part about our situation is that I’ve had an advance preview with his brother. Matt has ADHD too and he was a Scout too at about this age, but his experience was totally different. He was in a troop that wasn’t nearly as good as this one and none of us (leaders, kids, or parents) took it particularly seriously. It was just a fun activity for him to do for a couple of years. We didn’t push him and he certainly wasn’t interested in doing any of the work for rank or merit badges, so he never rose above his original rank of Tenderfoot. And after a while, he got bored with it and quit. So basically, he never put anything into it and correspondingly, he never got anything out of it.

If we left Blake to his own devices, I’m quite certain that’s exactly what he would do also. He would show up for all the fun stuff like summer camp and campouts and never bother with any of the badges or any of the learning that goes along with Scouting. He might feel a little twinge at awards time when he saw all his buddies getting all their badges and advancement, but it wouldn’t bother him enough to actually get organized enough to go through all the multiple steps required to earn some of those badges. Some of them are pretty intense – for instance last month, he had to plan a whole weekend’s worth of meals for his patrol of 9 boys, buy all the food (obviously we had to drive him to the store and pay for it), price it out for reimbursement, pack it up, and then cook three of the meals for his whole group! That’s a lot of responsibility for a 12 year old boy, but he pulled it off pretty nicely.

I agree that you shouldn’t DO the stuff for the kid. I despise parents who send their kid to school with a Science Fair project that couldn’t have been completed by anyone with less than a Masters Degree, or send them with a Pinewood Derby car that was obviously completed entirely by the dad. That isn’t teaching them a thing, except how to cheat.

But I do think that it’s OK to set a timeframe for them and require them to meet certain milestones. Typically our policy is that he has to complete one Scout requirement per week as the price of his transportation to the meeting. It hasn’t come to the point where we have had to keep him home from a meeting, but we usually have to remind him a day or so before. But he is the one who has to figure out what he needs to do it, and get the work done. That seems pretty non-smothering to me.

I also think the proof is in the pudding. I look at Matt now at age 21. He has a really good job that he just loves, a nice car (that I helped him pick out – and negotiated $3,000 off the price!), a solid savings account, and is talking about getting his own apartment. If I hadn’t pushed him, and pushed him pretty hard, I don’t think he would have any of those
things.

Honestly, I don’t think he would have graduated High School without my help. He was struggling pretty hard and at one time was missing more than 20 assignments in just one class. With struggles like that, College wasn’t even an option, at least not in my opinion, so I talked him into trade school instead. Even there, he was starting to flounder and was about to drop out when I stepped in and set up some weekly deadlines for him. I did have to push him a bit to get busy on the job hunting business, but he did find a fabulous job, and past that, he was on his own. He had to ace the interview, get the job, and then show up every morning at a gawd-awful 7:00 AM, and work hard every day to keep his boss happy.

Yikes, when I look at that, I guess I do see the pushy stage mom there, but what would I have done differently? Let him drop out of High School or get a GED? That wouldn’t have ended well for him. Paid a fortune for college or trade school and just hope for the best after all his struggles in High School? Doesn’t sound like a winning strategy to me. I could have let him skip college altogether, but then he’d likely be working at Hot Topic or some guitar store making minimum wage and on the road to nowhere instead of starting out in a promising career with some marketable job skills (he’s a medical assistant and has several certifications).

I guess the bright spot is that now that he has “made it” at least as much as a 21 year old kid can be expected to, he gets it. He has a lot of pride in his job and earning enough money to afford a nice car and a decent apartment. He realizes that the direction he was headed in wasn’t a good one, and that he wasn’t going to end up with the kind of life he wanted. So when he started his new job, he took his Dad and me out to for a nice dinner as a “Thank you” because he realized all our meddling and pushing had landed him exactly where he wanted to be.

Moral of the story – I haven’t a clue, but I’m a Mom who loves her boys, but is willing to step back from the line and let them stretch their wings a little bit, even if it takes an occasional kick in the butt from me to do it.

PS:  Blake did put on that final push and earned his 1st Class Scout rank and he also was voted Assistant Patrol Leader by his patrol members.  I'm so proud of him!  Also, Matt had his 1st review at work and was ranked Exceeds Expectations in every category.  It might have taken a little pushing to get him there, but he's definitely flying solo now and doing a great job of it.  

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The PDQ (Pay Debts Quick) Plan

This was originally posted as one of my Clutterbugs posts, but I think it fits better under my Women & Finance series, so I've changed it up a bit for my MoneyMatters series.  

Because money is a very important topic for me, I have several different financial coaches that I follow. Suze Orman seems to be the guru of choice these days, but she's not my favorite. I prefer Mary Hunt of EverydayCheapskate.com, Dave Ramsay and Chellie Campbell of Chellie.com. They all have similar programs with minor variations and the good news is that any one of them will work. They all have free newsletters, so why not check them out and see which one you like the best?

I think that men tend to spend more on the big ticket items like cars, boats, etc. But I think as far as the overspenders who rack up the big on-going debts, it seems to be mostly women. Because I run a stamping business, I see a lot of this first-hand. I have seen women drop hundreds of dollars on merchandise that they are going to hide from their husbands in a closet somewhere and probably never even use.

That boggles my mind. I don't see how someone justifies spending what is basically imaginary money, especially on things they don't really need and only think they will actually use.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I have a bit of a weakness for impulse spending, but I never hide it from my husband and I do use everything I buy.  It always baffles me when people spend good money for something and then never get around to using it.  I've got customers who bought stamps from me literally years ago and they tell me they still haven't taken them out of the package.  Weird! 

Plus I'm allergic to debt and even though I do have some debt, I try to avoid it as much as possible and I work really hard to pay it down as fast as I can.  I've been in serious debt before and it's NOT a fun place to be and I don't want to go back there ever again.

Anyway, back to the PDQ Plan. It's pretty simple. You take a spreadsheet or a piece of paper and you list all your debts - large or small. I keep mine on post-in notes on my bathroom mirror so we can both see how we are doing every day.

Some people like to line them up based on the interest rate, but I prefer to line them up small to large. It gives you more of a psychological boost to see them being paid off bit by bit.

It's a little daunting to see all your debts in one place, but it's time to face facts. The amount of money isn't going to be any less if you close your eyes to it. It is what it is and you have to come up with a plan for dealing with it.

Here's how the PDQ plan works. Let's say the smallest bill is a $300 debt that you pay $25 a month on it. The next largest bill is a $500 debt that is $50 a month.

First of all, you cut back on a few things and save money like crazy so you have $100 a month to spend on that little bill. Three months and poof, that little bill is history.

Now you take the $100 a month and apply it to what you are already paying on the $500 debt. At $150 a month, that bill is also gone in just under three months. So in six month's time or less you have eliminated two bills and freed up $150 a month of your income. That kind of money really gives you some leverage when paying your bills. I can't remember the last time I actually just paid a minimum amount due on a bill - it's just a waste of your time.

Then you just go through the rest of your bills in the same manner. It is hard work, but you'll get excited as you see your debt reducing as if by magic. The average time for a PDQ Plan like this to work is 18 months to two years.

That sounds like a long time, but when you look at how long this debt has been following you around, it really isn't too bad. And by the end of the process, you'll have several hundred dollars in extra money every month - some to save for a rainy day and some to spend on all those fun things you would have put on a credit card in the past.  It's not that you can't have some of the things you want, you just need to be smart about it and only spend money you actually have and not just money you wish you had.

Be sure and come back on Thursdays for my MoneyMatters posts. If you'd like to see my previous offerings, just click on the MoneyMatters tag at the bottom of this post for a complete list.




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Clutterbugs: Living with a Messie

Did you ever (poke) wonder what it (poke) is like for a cleanie (poke poke) living long-term with (poke) a messie? I'd imagine (poke) it's just like living with someone poking you all__the__time.  I mean, we've learned to tune it out, but it's just not possible for them.  And every piece of paper, cup, and all that clutter everywhere they look is just one more poke to them.  

Those of you who are Mom's can relate to that.  How many times have you had a kid who is pestering you like that and just getting on your last nerve?  You know, the kid that says mommy. Mommy. MOMMY! about one thousand times until you think your ears are going to bleed.  Or the one who kicks the table leg or snaps her gum for the 85th time?  How hard was it to just not snap back at them?  That's the way your cleanie partner feels about your situation when he or she has to come home to a messy house every day. 

If you love someone, why would you want to do that to them?  They have probably been trying to tell you about it for years, but you've just ignored them or discounted their feelings.  But look at it this way.  This is their HOME - it's the only place they have where they can go to unwind every day and if there is no corner of the house where they can have the peace and beauty they crave - that's just sad.  

Maybe you can't change your ways 100%, but you can start being a more considerate partner.  Start talking. And start listening.  Maybe between the two of you, you can come up with a compromise that will work for both sides of the coin....

Come back every Monday for a fresh dose of Clutterbugs.  If you'd like to view past offerings, just click on the Clutterbugs label at the bottom of this post for a complete list. 


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MoneyMatters: The Biggest Financial Mistake Women Make

OK, just because we’re friends, I’m going to clue you in on the biggest mistake most women make in their financial lives. They depend on other people – typically their husbands or partners, but sometimes their parents also, to keep them financially safe.

I get why we do that, I totally do, but I also get why that can bite you in the butt. Husbands might leave, or they die, or they could even become disabled and unable to provide for you and most importantly, your children. Parents die or become disabled, and sometimes are dependent upon YOU for their care. Have you checked the prices on nursing homes lately? It would scare the socks off of you.

In the event you do get divorced, did you know that a whopping 25%-40% of dads never pay a dime of child support, despite a court order? Not to wish anything bad on anyone, but if your husband announced he was leaving tomorrow to run off with his secretary or whatever, would you have enough assets under your own control to be able to support your family until child support or other arrangements could be set up?

What about retirement? If you’ve been married for a certain period of time, I believe you are entitled to 50% of any 401K’s or other retirement assets, but would that be enough? If you work, do you have your own 401K or Roth IRA set up? You really should, but a lot of women rationalize that they “don’t make enough”, or that their income needs to go for college or other expenses. That’s why such a high percentage of women retire in poverty in this country. We’re women and so we give and give to others our whole lives without taking consideration for what we might need for ourselves. But that poverty word, that sure doesn’t sound like a lot of fun, does it?

There are college loans, home improvement loans, car loans, and every other kind of loan, but the one loan they haven’t invented yet is a retirement loan. And statistically, that is the point in your life where your husband is much more likely to die before you will, so you may end up on your own. That is also the point where you are most likely to have health problems of your own and be unable to work. By then, your parents are likely to be gone, or in difficult straights of their own, so who is going to take care of you? Maybe your children, but you wouldn’t want that for them, and they are likely to be struggling to provide for their own families.

What is the message here? Well, for starters, think ahead and change your thinking. Don’t plan on always having your husband or your parents as a safety net. I’ve been lucky to have never been divorced, but I have lost both my parents and in-laws, so I’m learning how to live without the safety net and provide for my own security. I know I need to be prepared for that proverbial rainy day, and I’m working hard on it.

I save significant amounts of money out of every paycheck and I’ve had my own 401K since I was about 30 and I think I had an IRA even before that. We’ve both received small inheritances from our parents and I made sure that my portion is set up in a separate account under my own name. I’m not planning to get divorced, but just in case, that portion would not be considered joint property. Does that sound cold and calculating? Maybe, but that point was brought home to me very early on by my parents.

When I turned 21, I was living with a loser boyfriend. You know the type, couldn’t keep a job, sponged off his parents (and mine!), bought everything he could get approved for and then never paid the bills. I don’t know what I saw in him and fortunately, I broke up with him soon after, but my Mom, bless her heart, was looking out for me. She had my Dad give me $2,100 for my 21st birthday with specific instructions to keep that as a separate and secret emergency fund in case I ever decided to leave Mr. Loser. She wanted me to always have a little stash of cash for a rainy day. I held on to that account for years and years until my husband and I finally did have that rainy day when we were both unemployed and broker than broke and I was so happy to have that cushion available.

Even if you don’t work, it’s time to have a frank talk with your husband about emergency funds, savings plans, life insurance, and retirement accounts. He may not appreciate your nosing about in “his” money, but there may come a day when you’ll be glad you did.

Come back every Thursday for another dose of MoneyMatters. If you'd like to see past posts, click the MoneyMatters tag below this post for a complete list.

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Clutterbugs: Take Action

How much pain is your messy house causing you and your family? Probably a significant amount. Even though you try to convince yourself that it doesn't matter and that is really isn't so bad, the problem with living in clutter is that you constantly feel out of control and are critical of yourself because of it.

It's natural to feel that way because our brains are wired to want order and control over our surroundings. Plus we have the opinions of others driving us. Every time we see a TV show with a beautiful house, or a friend talks with disgust about her messy family, or we drive by our neighbor's immaculate garden, we unconsciously compare it to our situation and feel a sense of inadequacy and frustration.

The best way to fight these feelings is with action. But you have to go about it in a sensible way. Your house didn't get in this shape overnight and it isn't going to get better overnight either. And the habits of a lifetime aren't going to change like magic just because you want them to.

But what you can do is make one positive change right now and then follow it with another one. Create a chain of positive action. What if you were to take a piece of paper right now and write down your top three challenges? Could be your laundry pile, your dining room table, and your guest bathroom. Now write down three small things you could do in each area - one to be done right now, one to be done in a couple of hours, and one before bedtime or first thing in the morning if it's getting late. That's not too overwhelming, now is it?

How do you think you'll feel after doing those nine things? Your house may not look measurably better, but you will have given yourself a push in the right direction, and that will give your spirit a lift and get your brain working in a positive direction rather than beating yourself up about it.

Then tomorrow pick 3 other areas and 3 small tasks you can do in them or even three small habits to work on - making the bed, folding your laundry right away, and putting your shoes in the closet instead of the living room. Don't forget to allow yourself a little time to just admire what you've accomplished. That's important. And even though you will want to, don't add four more things, or twelve. Just let those be enough for now and give yourself praise for doing them, just like you do when you want to encourage your kids.

And if you forget, or if you don't do one of the items perfectly, let it go. Don't stew and fuss about it, or call yourself names. Just pick a positive action you can do in the moment and follow it up with another one.A little bit of action is a beautiful thing....

Be sure to come by every Monday for a fresh dose of Clutterbugs.  If you'd like to see a list of previous Clutterbugs posts, just click on the link at the bottom of this post for a complete list. 

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MoneyMatters: Time to Refi?

(Sorry this didn't get posted on Thursday, I thought I had a post pre-scheduled, but apparently I didn't.)

Got an Email from my Mortgage lady the other day. Apparently it's time for another refi. Rates are down to between 4.25% to 4.5% and she has a streamlined refi deal that won't even cost us any fees. Took me about 3 seconds to decide and I sent her a one word response - YES.

(Sidebar - kids, don't try this at home.  Obviously, this wasn't one of those scam Emails you get all the time, this is someone at a reputable bank who has handled several loans for us.  She's wonderful and always keeps an eye out for us like this!  Plus she's a co-worker of mine and her son teaches my son's band class - hey, Salt Lake is kind of a small town that way.)

I think most women are amazingly smart about little things like using coupons and finding great clothing sales, but when it comes to big things like Mortgages that can save you some seriously huge money, we don't always get the memo. 

A quarter of a percent might not seem like a big deal, but I ran some numbers just for giggles.

   A $250,000 loan at 30 years with my current rate of 4.75%

       Monthly Payment $1,304
       Interest costs over the life of the loan $219,482.60

  A $250,000 loan at 30 years if I go down to 4.50%

       Monthly Payment $1,266 (saves me $456 per year - nothing to sneeze at)
       Interest costs over the life of the loan $206,016.78 - that's a smooth $13K savings

  A $250,000 loan at 30 years if I can get it down to 4.25%

       Monthly Payment $1,229 (not a huge reduction, but saves me $900 a year)
       Interest costs over the life of the loan $192,745.90 - now you're talking! $26K is a lot more than you'll save with coupons and 2 for 1 sales. 

  If I could manage the $500 per month bump to go to a 15 year mortgage, I would be saving a sweet $130K - that's almost half of the value of the whole loan, isn't it?  Still think that refinancing isn't a good idea???

PS:  Just putting in a plug here for bi-monthly payments.  They were a big hit for a while, but you don't hear much about them any more.  We use them for two reasons - it's easier to have half your house payment taken out of each paycheck than it is to arrange your finances to make one large payment at the first of the month.  Also, with the bi-monthly scheme, you end up making an extra house payment every year because you are making 26 half payments instead of 12 full ones.  That can make a big difference in the long run.  So can making additional payments towards your principle.  That's one thing we always intend to do, but it just never happens that way.  Maybe that needs to be my goal once I get some other debts paid off. 

There are other benefits to a refinance too - you generally get to miss a payment or two (my favorite part!) while they get the paperwork set up, and with some loans, you can also get cash out for home improvements.  I know the ads on TV show people getting home improvement loans to use for vacations, boats, and all sorts of other bullshit stuff, but my personal opinion is that you should only take money OUT of your house to put something INTO your house. 

Of course, every refi isn't a slam dunk.  If there are fees, and usually there are, you need to take into account how long you plan to stay in the house and whether or not it's a good deal for your situation.  I think the rule of thumb is that you need to plan to stay in the house for 2 or more years for every $2K in fees.  As a bank employee, I do get a bit of a break there, along with my fabulous free checking account - oh joy! 

But the flip side of the coin is that you are extending the life of your loan for additional years.  Not a smart move if you're getting a bit older.  That is one thing that concerns me - I could be about 80 years old by the time this house is paid off, and that's if we stay in this huge 6-bedroom house for that long - we love the extra room, but it wasn't the smartest choice for a couple with two half-grown kids.  If we'd stayed in the little house we bought when we first moved to Salt Lake, our house would be 3/4 paid off by now - hindsight is 20/20 they say....


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